Putin’s Missiles Take Out Crazed Iranian Terrorist Cows |
A new and
disturbing danger has apparently arisen in the Middle East ,
and the Russian military is on it. It appears that cows have begun aligning
themselves with terrorist organizations, and Russian President Vladimir Putin’s
forces are taking the steps necessary to shut down this bovine threat before
things get any worse.
How else to
translate the events of the past several days?
Shortly after
Russian warships in the Caspian Sea launched a reported 26 cruise missiles
toward Syria
on Wednesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Defense Minister Sergei
Shoigu appeared on television to celebrate the success of the attack.
Shoigu announced
that all 26 of the missiles struck within three meters of their intended
targets, and he claimed that no civilian buildings were damaged.
In televised
comments, Putin added, “The fact that we have launched precision-guided weapons
from the Caspian at a range of around 1,500 km and hit all the targets
indicates the good status of defense industry and the good skills of the
personnel.”
However, reports
began to trickle out on Thursday that perhaps not all of the Russian missiles
had actually made it into Syria .
A report from the town of Takab ,
which is directly under the flight path of the Russian missiles as revealed by
maps released by the Kremlin, detailed how a massive explosion at around 6 a.m.
rocked the rural area on Wednesday.
The “unidentified
flying object” exploded several hundred meters outside Takab, close enough to
shake buildings and frighten residents.
It also killed
“several head of cattle,” according to the report.
On Thursday, U.S. intelligence officials told reporters that
as many as four of the Russian missiles had crash landed in rural Iran . However,
there was immediate pushback from both Russia
and from Iran ,
which has joined the Kremlin in backing Assad with troops and weapons.
Iranian General
Musa Kamali told the Kremlin-run News site Sputnik that reports of Russian
missiles going off-target were “blatant lies” and part of a Western propaganda
campaign.
The Kremlin stuck
to its claim that all 26-missile attacks were successful.
“No matter how
unpleasant and unexpected for our colleagues in the Pentagon and
Langley was yesterday's high-precision strike on Islamic State
infrastructure in Syria, the fact remains that all missiles launched
from our ships have found their targets,” said Russian Defense Ministry
spokesman Maj. Gen. Igor Konashenkov.
So if Russia is
indeed only targeting terrorists, as it has said, and if no missiles went off
target, that can lead to only one conclusion: the cows were terrorists.
The U.S. and its
allies haven’t many kind words for Vladimir Putin these days, but he should at
least be thanked for identifying this new threat and taking prompt and decisive
action to neutralize it.
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